We are frequently unaware of the strong emotions that occur in the form of anger or anxiety which are present as undercurrents in our mind or our body. And often such thoughts and feelings may tend to govern our actions almost from “behind the scene”. When this takes place, we may feel that we are at choice with our behavior, but acting on such thoughts and feelings while not being fully aware of them, puts us at the effect of them, and we behave almost like puppets on a string. Sometimes though, and quite to the contrary, we may be very involved and vividly experiencing our strong emotions. When this occurs, we may try to push such thoughts and feelings away, trying to erase them. “No, I’m not angry, just disappointed!”
Either of these two approaches tends to leave us feeling overwhelmed and very challenged by our worry or our involvement in them. But it is possible for us to take the position of simply viewing as the observer, just objectively watching and not getting too involved, not judging, not criticizing but simply being present with a feeling or with a thought, then letting it go. In this way, we acknowledge it, we note it and then we come back to whatever we’re doing, starting to create a sense of space for ourselves.
Here are some words from a client who was working on serious relationship problems and seemed completely at the effect of their anxious and angry feelings and could benefit from stepping back as the observer: “This is who I am. I have strong feelings and I react. It isn’t a problem for me.”
Actually though, his angry or defensive reactions to his partner’s own anger, fanned the flames of marriage conflict and sent them spiraling down to despair, time and time again. It would be extremely beneficial for him to learn to deal with such anxious or angry thoughts and feelings as the observer. Not to dissociate from them, but to be present to them and train themself to watch them come and watch them go. Sounds too simple? In many ways, this technique is deceiving in its simplicity. It sounds very straightforward. Yes, it takes some time to apply, but all the research that’s been done suggests that we can almost immediately reduce the intensity of the emotion by a good 50% or so through a consistent meditative practice, according to over 200 studies as cited by the American Psychological Association. (https://www.apa.org/topics/mindfulness/meditation).
We’re talking about making really significant changes here. Notice, we’re speaking about the “intensity of the emotion”. It’s not that we’re necessarily experiencing a reduced frequency, but a shift in the way in which we experience it when it arises is what actually shifts. This could prove to be a “Breath of Spring” and the salvation of many troubled relationships.
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